there’s hope

I was driving home last night and a song came on my iPod:

“that’s when I learned a lesson
that it’s all about your perception”

I was driving home after reconnecting with a lost friend.  We ate yummy thai food, drank delicious beer, and caught up about work, school, boys… and reminisced over the good memories we had. 

“It ain’t about the size of your car
It’s about the size of faith in your heart”

And then I started thinking about all the friendships I have lost, gained and reconnected with… and how much I’ve grown in the last couple years.  It’s amazing what a simple drive home and a soothing song will do to me. 

I know I haven’t been the best friend to some (I’m working on that).  It’s easy to get caught up in life and let things fall through the cracks.  I know it’s not a valid excuse though.  I’m trying to get better at these things.  I’m trying to hold onto the friendships that are important to me and let go of the ones that are not. 

“there’s hope
It doesn’t cost a thing to smile
You don’t have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that”

We don’t take full advantage of all the free things in life - like laughter and smiling.  I just want to laugh and smile more.  I want to be a better friend and a better person, and rid myself of all of my mistakes in life.

“Stand up for your rights
Keep shining your light
And show the world your smile”

I just want faith

I need this:

best.shirt.ever!

Wait. Where do you go to school? Oh, that sucks. You go to Penn State.

My friend got a new(ish) job in State College.  I haven’t seen him in almost a year, so I’m road trippin’ it up to State College in a couple weeks for a “boys” weekend.  Good to know they considers me “one of the boys.” (story of my life) Regardless, I plan to do this all over Penn State:

Now that’s funny, I don’t care who you are!!

a blog about a pig game from my childhood… oh, and my cousin’s new CD

It’s confirmed: I’m obsessed and addicted to music. It really does soothe the soul.

My dad’s mom’s sister-in-law’s daughter’s son cousin, Graham, is a rock star. OK so maybe his band, Stay Awake, isn’t as popular as Pearl Jam, but give it time. His debut CD came out the other week. I totally downloaded it off of iTunes. Does that make me a bad cousin? The answer to that is YES. Anyways, his CD is fabulous. I’m in love with every song. I didn’t realize how friggin’ talented the kid is!

It’s so weird listening to his music. It seems like just yesterday we all crammed into my grandma’s small ass apartment in Ohio playing “pig-me.” It was some kind of pig game. Kind of like volley ball, but instead of using your hands, you had this rubber pig that blew air (that totally sounded erotic), and instead of a volleyball, you had this styrofoam piece of crap ball…and the object of the game was to use the pig to blow the air at the “ball” to keep it away from your ground. Oh, there was a net too. (see, that’s where the “volleyball-like” factor comes in) So you had to continually blow this pig — that’s what she said!! — at the ball to keep it off your ground. At the time, we all thought it was the greatest game ever…but thinking about it just now….I think it explains half of my childhood issues.

Soooo, anyway.

Now that I’ve revealed a little too much about my dysfunctional childhood, I’ll just end this blog by saying you should steal download my cousin’s new CD, Paper Plates & Aeroplanes, off of iTunes. Or buy it. Whatever. But it’s totally awesome… and it’s only $10 on iTunes.  Oh, and there’s a song about my other cousin, Amoreena, on the CD too!

The Heart of the Matter

“I’ve been trying to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes…”

I’ve had this emptiness in me for a while.  I didn’t know what triggered it or what caused it, but it made me feel uneasy, at best.  I finally realized what stemmed this empty feeling - my best friend.  We’ve never been this far away from each other.  This distance would either make us or break us …… and that’s exactly what it did.  Things were fine when he first moved away, and for one weekend, my world with him was perfect, but then I came back home and things started changing.  Communication went from everything to nothing.  I could tell the passion and intimacy had died the weekend he came to visit.  The distance killed everything and broke us apart.

“How can love survive in such a graceless age
And the trust and self assurance that lead to happiness
They’re the very things we kill”

Sometimes you just have to let go.  You have to let them live their own life and find their own happiness, even if it tears you apart.  I hope he can find his.  I hope he can find the passion, intimacy and love in someone, as I had once found in him.  I hope he can find the happiness he’s been looking for, because I truly believe it’s out there somewhere.

“I wanna be happily ever after”

Fate only takes you so far, the rest is up to you.  I can’t force him to be with me - he’s got to see that on his own.  I guess this just wasn’t meant to be.  I hope he finds his happily ever after.  I hope it’s with someone who can love him just as much, or even more, as I once did.

“And my heart is so shattered
But I know it’s about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don’t love me anymore”

Funny how things can change over time.  One moment it’s filled with passion, the next moment it’s not.  I guess I had too many expectations on him and this.  Maybe he just wasn’t the person I thought he was…

Time heals all wounds.

This too shall pass.

“We all need mirrors to remind ourselves of who we are”

Today I received an email from someone I haven’t talked to in over a year.  We had ended our friendship on bad terms and the email was an effort at trying to clear things up and move past all of it.  As I was reading her email, my mind flashed back to distant memories of our friendship.  I met her when I moved out to Philly.  We had a pretty good friendship - she was always fun to hang out with and we had some really good times and great laughs together.  We always need those kind of friends in our lives.  I remember why our friendship ended on such bad terms.  In the beginning of our friendship, and for most of it, she was underage.  It was difficult to hang out at decent establishments because of this.  She eventually turned 21 and her drinking became out of control.  It got to a point where I became concerned and confronted her about it.  From my perspective, I was a friend trying to help another friend.  She didn’t see it that way.  Our friendship ended at that point and I never heard from her again……until recently.

A year has passed and now she wants to rebuild our friendship.  I’m soft when it comes to this kind of stuff.  I give people second, third and even fourth chances…even if they don’t deserve them.  I emailed her back and told her we could get together for dinner some time and clear the air.  It will be interesting to hear what she has to say.  I know she still thinks there’s some kind of tension between us, but I have forgotten about the events and have moved past all of it a long time ago.

All of this has sparked something in me.  It’s made me think back on my past and current friendships.  How well do we really know our friends?  Even those we call our best friends?

I had this friend in junior high, Taiwan. (that’s not her real name, but for the sake of confidentiality, that’s what I’ll call her.  Explanations on that to follow).  We ran track together in junior high and high school (the hurdles, triple jump and long jump).  Our friendship really took off during our Senior year of high school.  We had a few classes together, ate lunch together, ran track together - we were practically inseparable.  We attended Pitt together and shared some great memories and unforgettable moments.  One of my favorite memories was a weekend road trip to Washington, D.C. 3 years ago with another one of our friends.  It was one of the best weekends I’ve ever spent in that city.  When I moved to Philadelphia, our friendship started breaking down.  We chatted once a month and hung out whenever I went home.  In January I went home for my best friend’s benefit for cervical cancer.  I hung out with Taiwan one night.  It wasn’t the same.  I could tell we both had moved on with our lives - new friends, new jobs, etc.  It’s now almost August and I haven’t talked to her since then.  It’s funny how fast things change.

I thought I knew who my friends were.  I thought I had the most loyal and trustworthy friends a girl could have.  I guess that’s just part of life….changing times, growing up, turning into the person you’re meant to be, not the person you wish you could be.  Sometimes you have to sacrifice a friendship to live a happier life.  Perhaps that’s selfish, but you only have this one chance at happiness…

The boy is still down south for training.  It’s getting harder and harder every day to be away from him and I’m starting to feel like it’s tearing our friendship apart.  They say distance makes the heart grow fonder… but I’m starting to think that maybe distance can only tear you apart.  I’m bad at long distance relationships.  I’m even worse at long distance friendships.  I don’t talk to any of my friends back home (with the exception of my best friend) and I haven’t talked to most of my close college friends since last New Year’s.  Me = terrible friend.  To make myself feel even worse, I haven’t talked to my brother (who lives in Madison, WI) since…… Christmas, I think.  Emails don’t count (because they’re usually a one-liner).  Me = terrible sister.  I don’t know what it is, but I just can’t do the long distance thing.  I use the “I’m too busy” excuse a little too much sometimes.  And while it’s true, it isn’t a justification for my actions.  When it comes down to it, I’m a bad friend.  I’m fiercely independent and it causes me to push people away.  Usually the ones I care about the most.  I feel like I’m doing that right now with the Boy.  He’s trying to be a friend in the best way he knows how, but I continue to push him further and further away from me.  I don’t know why I’m doing it.  Maybe it’s the distance… maybe it’s the busy-ness…. or maybe it’s because I’m just too damn scared; scared of losing him, scared that he’s going to run away from me soon, scared that he won’t be there for me.  It’s causing me to lose my friendship with him, but I don’t know how to fix it.  It’s something I can’t shake.  I have this great guy who would do just about anything for me, who has risked and sacrificed so much of his life for me… and I’m sitting here scared and afraid….because I know that at any moment, he could wipe his hands clean of me and walk away… and it makes me feel sick to my stomach.  Because of all the people I’ve met, loved, and lost… he’s the one person I simply cannot live without. But I’m pushing him further and further away from me because that’s what I do best.  How do I let myself let him in?  How do I break down this guard I put up and just let him inside?

We all need mirrors to remind ourselves of who we are…

California or bust!

I joined the National Cervical Cancer Coalition about 6 months ago. Last year they held their 1st Annual NCCC Conference in Washington, DC and about 100 cancer patients and survivors attended. I wasn’t able to go. This year, they’re expecting an even bigger turnout. They’re giving out scholarships to pay for the registration (which is a freaking $165!!), room & board, meals and other stuff in the hopes that more people can show. I applied for a scholarship about a week ago. I just got a call from the Director of Marketing, offering me a $515 scholarship to attend the conference. It pays for 2 nights at the Hilton (holla) plus my $165 registration fee, plus meals and the reception cocktail both nights. Freakin’ love it. It’s gonna be my first time to L.A. and I can’t wait! Plus, the conference is over mid-afternoon on Saturday, which means we get to party it up celebrity-style on Saturday night!!

And then I’ll come back to Philthadelphia, broke as a joke, and have to slave away like the non-celebrity I am at my law firm. Boo.

But until then, I’ll just pretend like I’m part of the rich and famous…

This just in: I’m a nerd by default

I’ve been on a big movie-watching roll lately.  I heart netflix.  Damnit, I should have signed up earlier.

I watched Mama’s Boy this weekend.  The first time I tried to watch it was Friday night, after getting into Pittsburgh at 1a.m. I layed down on my friend’s couch (bad idea #24) and got through the first 10 minutes (which is a lot better than just getting through the opening credits!) before I passed out.  So, we watched it again on Sunday.  It wasn’t too bad.  Jon Heder is in it.  So is Diane Keaton.  This isn’t Jon’s best work.  Although I don’t think anything will top his Napoleon Dynamite performance.

I also watched Untraceable with Diane Lane.  Bad Idea #85.  If you ever want ideas on how to torturously kill people with heat lamps, battery acid and a hedge wacker, then this movie is for you.  This stuff is scarier than horror movies. 

I wrapped up the movie binge weekend with Closer.  Probably not the best movie for me to watch, given my questioning of relationships and love lately.  But it gives insight to how far some people will go to find love or be with the one they want.  It’s quite fucked up, actually.  Oh, and if you are a prude and don’t like sex haven’t fornicated recently, then you’ll want to after watching this movie.  You might want to get that out of the way before watching this one.

I’m dying to see The Dark Knight.  Everyone and their mother saw it over the weekend and said it was amazing.  I’m a secret sci-fi comic book nerd (shhhh, don’t tell anyone).  I blame that on my brothers.  They’re comic book/sci-fi nerds.  So then technically, wouldn’t that make me a nerd by default??  I voluntarily reluctantly seen the X-Men Trilogy, the SpiderMan Trilogy, and all the Batman movies up to date.  I’ve also seen the Hulk (wasn’t impressed).  Adding to my list of “nerdom,” I’ve also seen the Indiana Jones trilogy and the Star Wars trilogy (circa Harrison Ford).  I also was forced to watch the Lord of the Rings movies.  DON’T.JUDGE.ME! This is what happens when you grow up with nerdy older brothers. 

And don’t EVEN get me started on playing Dungeons and Dragons….

It takes no time to fall in love…

“…but it takes you years to know what love is”

I watched the movie Because I Said So with Diane Keaton and Mandy Moore last night.  Yes, I watch Mandy Moore movies.  Don’t.judge.me.  It was surprisingly entertaining.  So, Diane’s character tries to play “matchmaker” and posts an Internet dating ad for her daughter (Mandy Moore).  The daughter - oblivious to the ad - meets these 2 guys and ends up dating both of them. 

So there was this one scene in the movie where the mother and daughter are sitting in the livingroom and because the mother has laryngitis, she has to write down what she wants to say.  So she scribbles a bunch of thoughts onto paper and the daughter reads them off.  One of the thoughts was, “what does an orgasm feel like?”  Mandy Moore tries to describe the feeling, but it honestly does no justice. So then she [the daughter] replies, “you’ve never had an orgasm?  Not even with dad?”  The mother shakes her head no.  The daughter was shocked.  And then my mind started wandering off …… as it always does (maybe it’s my ADD kicking in) and I thought to myself, what if you go through life never knowing what love is?

A friend of mine has been dating this guy for almost 2 years.  They rushed the relationship completely.  Within 8 months of being together, he proposed to her.  A couple months after that, they moved in together.  But since the beginning they’ve had problems in their relationship.  It’s a constant battle between them.  He had the nerve to break up with her on her birthday a couple weeks ago.  She went out that night as a “single woman” even though she still wore her engagement ring.  A few days later, they were back together.  And a few days after that, he called her fat and told her to move out of their condo.  That weekend she went down to Atlantic City to meet a guy (who’s a professional lacrosse player from NY) she met in Cali over Memorial Day weekend.  They hooked up (i.e. had sex - have to define “hooked up” since everyone has a different definition of it) that weekend.  She came back and no more than a few hours after returning, she got back with her fiance.  She claims things are going well now.  She’s going to NY next weekend to see her lacrosse player, with every intention of hooking up with him again.  I can only imagine how “well” things really are going with her and her fiance. 

I’m not quite sure why she’s still with her fiance at this point, but I can only chalk it up to one reason: the comfort of always having him around and not wanting to be alone.  It’s the same reason why everyone else in these similiar situations stay with their significant other.  And it’s the same reason why I spent almost 4 years in an abusive relationship.  But it’s also a good example of why the concept of marriage gets ruined for the rest of us.  It’s so easy to settle for someone - not because you don’t think you deserve better, but because you’re afraid of what happens to you when that relationship is lost.  I’m seeing it in my friends more now than ever before - settling for the kind of relationship they have now because they’re afraid of being alone; because it’s convenient, not because it’s fulfilling. 

It takes no time to fall in love, but it takes you years to know what love is.  - Jason Mraz

Do we ever know what love is?  Is there anything more devasting than going through life and never knowing what love is?

I tend to be the kind of person who falls hard and fast for someone.  And then I eventually realize that maybe it wasn’t love … maybe it was just lust.  For someone who’s been in a couple serious relationships, I can’t help but wonder if it was love or just some kind of lust.  I think my funk lately has been a result of my doubts and thoughts of all of this; the emptiness of wondering what love really is.  I’m trying to believe that someone can really satisfy and complete my needs.  It makes it tough when I haven’t had a good, fulfilling relationship yet.  I’ve had to settle for second best or whatever I could take …. and thinking of it that way …. well, it leaves that emptiness in me, at best.

“Why is six afraid of seven?”

I walk into Starbuck’s at my usual 7:55am time (actually, that’s unusual for me.  I usually stroll in there around 8:05ish).  They’re doing this new smoothie thing, so I sampled a chocolate banana smoothie.  It was OK.  Yesterday was a mango smoothie and it tasted like vomit.  So I order my grande coffee and the male coffee bitch barrista says to the female coffee bitch barrista, “why is six afraid of seven?”  The girl stood there with a dumb look on her face.  I couldn’t help but smirk.  Not only is it too early for jokes (in my opinion), but it’s way too early for lame jokes.  “What?”  the girl asks.  Had she never heard this joke before?!?  She looks at me with an even more confused look on her face.  The guy then says, “you’ve never heard this joke before??”  Uhh, gee, what gave you the first hint??  As he handed me my cup of joe, I looked at the girl and said, “don’t worry, it’s a lame cheesy joke anyway.”  That’s when the girl replies, “But I wanna be part of the cheesy club!” 

UGH.  I quickly added cream and sugar to my coffee and got the hell out of there.  I guess when you work at Starbuck’s and have to get up at the ass crack of dawn, you’ll do anything to entertain yourself.